it is only right of her to want to be historically preserved if she cannot bear life much longer. she has this kind of internal logic that keeps her from doing it herself, maybe a holdover from sermons in youth that she could never subscribe to but were doomladen enough to judder in starts and stops when she ruminated on death, a locked groove wearing the needle out. if there’s a Heaven she doesn’t want to be precluded from bearing witness to it, and neither to a Hell really. discounting the eternal torture, there was a rugged aesthetic pleasure to every representation she’d seen of it that she’d hope to get even an inkling of in person, but then again that means having to discount eternal torture.
eternal torture isn’t quite how she describes life here—for one, it’s finite, can be ended at one’s own discretion—it’s just something that’s been sapped of its blisses, beyond explication, beyond inadequately surmising in a creative-writing-task suicide note. that’s the reason why if she goes in a manner that’s self-evident in its nature as a suicide, it’ll become a minor mystery to those who made their pockets full with her. they’ll dart across the scene amateur-sleuthlike, forcefeeding reasons and rationalisations that aren’t there into her relaxed-open mouth.
and also she doesn’t want to let the team down, the statistician’s morbid pastime that was girls like her. but then even if she escapes the categorisation of trans suicide as planned, by her excursions and their intended outcome she’ll be grouped into the datafield of trans murder. could she not be a suicide or murder victim and then be laid to rest peacefully without the baggage of representing an entire community’s susceptibility to such things? it’s the most mundane component of her anyway. most people don’t even notice, how she misses in retrospect when people noticed, as awful as it seemed at the time. when she could throw an open-hearted look at another trans girl and have that same look imparted back upon her, not have it evaded by the lookee who mistakes her for just another clocker.