The internet is Satan, says a woman on a documentary but a hole in my memory means I forget which film. Maybe it’s the don’t-speak-on-your-mobile-phone-while-driving 1 by Werner Herzog? Maybe it isn’t but I seem to remember this woman says the internet is Satan cos a guy was driving a truck while looking at INSTAGRAM and he crashed into the woman’s daughter. Killed her. A life kaput cos a trucker was amused by his partner’s selfie or whatever. Yeah. The internet is the devil’s playground, I thought at work this week. It’s the beast with a neatly trimmed hipster beard, 2 goat-like horns. Dunno what sparked the feeling but for the next few of my dot-dot-dot sections I’ll try exploring my notion that the world-wide-dreaming, which polluted my brain with pictures I can’t unsee, is the devil’s work.
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It’s said: There’re cat people. There’re dog people. And if you divide society into those 2 groups I’d be in the latter cos dogs make me happy. They’re loving and comic and sweet. Plus, dogs are part of my howling art credo if credo is the right word. Just the gist is I admire visceral shit and dogs are sometimes visceral and I admire the noises that come from their throat. My dog aesthetic changed for a month though when I saw the bestiality documentary The Real Woof Central. It fucked me up. Broadcast on BBC3 the story is of a girl aged 16 or 17 who left a Texan town cos of her in-your-face mother and luckily a dog-breeder let the girl work and lodge on his farm and she helped breed his dogs until he said those 2 working together is inappropriate and so she created her own dog-breeding farm Woof Central but the male clients wanted to fuck her and cos their wives were jealous the young woman’s income suffered and to earn money she did the 1st of many films in which she had sex with donkeys and pigs and her speciality was dogs. An artist made the documentary A Winter Tail. It was set on her farm where she let rabbits and horses and 37 dogs roam and play in a field and the house buzzed with meat-flies that she let walk on her naked body. She didn’t mind. The artist filmed her sucking the penis of a Dalmatian named Aphex who the documentary narrator says was nicknamed The Lipstick Ledge as in legend cos of his penis length and the film was voted for a porn award and the woman became a cult celebrity and people would bring cameras to Woof Central to film her romps with Aphex and I was watching this on the BBC and Ben Dover who I’ve seen in a handful of X-HAMSTER uploads he appears, as does Germaine Greer. When the Woof woman couldn’t get bestiality porn work, she went to Dallas and fucked men. She drank litres of rum. She neglected Woof Central. The dogs and rabbits and pigs went unfed. Turds piled in the kennels and a Dobermann died and a bulldog died and the living dogs ate the dead. A Texan newspaper reported it. Around 7am I saw the BBC documentary and my stomach and brain rumbled very depressingly is the wrong word but I didn’t feel good. That viewing experience: I was haunted for days, especially when passing dogs on a street. I was confused about howling and visceral poetry. And dunno why but now I think: To centre myself I should’ve read Investigations of a Dog.
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The nothing of silence is as the croak in my ear. When the end credits of Real Woof Central stopped rolling I opened a new FIREFOX tab and typed in the GOOGLE search box a B and E and S and T and I and a suggested keyword was BESTIVAL and my brain pics were of shaving kit beards which I hate and hammocks which I hate and jugglers which I hate and smiles of generically shaped teeth. No gaps. No fangs. Nothing unhinged. So I undid the caps-lock and deleted the letters V, A and L and typed ality. Then clicked Images which showed a Japanese woodblock of a woman and a dog with a man’s penis: Eight Canine Heroes of the House of Satomi, 1837. To the right was a Japanese woodblock of a squid sucking a woman’s private parts: The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife, 1814. Sick, sicker, more, more, I thought perhaps looking for the online face of Satan. I clicked All, pushed the down-arrow key to the words bestiality forum.
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A magpie barked outside, its yacker seeping thru the silicon earplugs I wore. It was 9:10am. But does time matter? The page title said: Beast Fun. The Worlds Largest Bestiality Board. There was a link saying: Beginners Guide For Ladies With Dogs. 1006 replies. It was a topic posted by Lady Mastiff and I clicked and scrolled an inch and read: Dogs aren’t like men because even though all the erotic stories you read give them human characteristics, you stimulate them by hand or orally to get them erect and finally you achieve penetration. These wrong stories have the dog perform intercourse for a while, eventually getting the knot inside somehow and the dog ejaculates and withdraws. All these stories are written by men who have no idea how the dog-love process truthfully occurs.
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What’s the knot? I asked with my own knot twisting my gut.
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Lady Mastiff’s post kind of anatomised how women have sex with dogs. She recommends things like wearing the same clothes so the dog associates with playtime a certain polka dot skirt for instance. She advises to lay down a towel in the bedroom or another private space in the house. Get the dog to lick you. Don’t have a bath for a few days and don’t use deodorant so you smell more animal than hygienic woman. Try to wear a thickish top cos the dog will try gripping with his foreclaws and this might save explaining why your back is scratched to your cuckolded partner. The knot is when from its furry sheath the dog’s member, which like a racoon’s is always hard, expands into a big bulb.
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To read this nightmare, I asked, does it make me a sicko? I dunno. But it’s like when Alan Partridge says he’s fascinated by man’s inhumanity to man. Gore attracts me. I mean I could delete these sections but I must be spontaneous and honest and flow. And cos I know art is not in some afar off place, it’s anything you can get away with, I’ll do a readymade by pasting 3 paragraph’s from the forum’s FAQ page here: Question: Is it true that a dog is very clean and you don’t have to worry about getting an STD? Answer: Yes dog genitals are very clean. There are no diseases common to both dogs and humans so none can be transmitted. The only way you could get an STD is if your dog had intercourse with an infected human and then immediately had intercourse with you. Solution: Don’t share your dog and don’t let him hang out in bars picking up strange women. All dogs in dungarees are sexy.
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I told 3 friends about this haunting experience. Horses are the worst, said 1 with a frown. Another smiled saying: It’s beautiful. This woman in my hometown used to do it with her Great Dane in the park. The 3rd said: Yeah? God. You enjoying the sunny weather?