Roleplay by Ava Hofmann

Roleplay by Ava Hofmann

wow. i can’t believe the thislife rp forums are still alive. i thought the community would have moved on to other games by now or something.

i forgot the password to my old account, but if anyone here still remembers who i am, i went by BloodMoon13 back when i was active on thislife (from around 2008-2011). as you might have been able to guess, i first made that account when i was thirteen years old. which, you know, it might not have been so appropriate for a kid to participate on a nsfw roleplaying server like thislife. but, yeah, the standards were a lot more lax than they are now from what i can tell. so that’s good to see.

i’m not sure why i’m writing all this out to you guys, but i guess i just want to write all my memories of this place down in a place where other people will understand it. when you try to tell your therapist or your girlfriend or whatever about rp servers it takes like an hour for them to understand what an rp server even is, you know? you gotta explain that strike-force is this first person shooter game, but then somehow explain how you’re playing a modded version of the game where you don’t have to shoot anybody and you get to just play as as a regular person. one time, i had a therapist who just did not get it. she once called the rp server “like playing house online” or some shit. like, what? i changed therapists after that.

so i guess i’m just using this place to get the shit from that period in my life off my chest. sorry if that’s against the rules or whatever. but i think i might have some interesting things to say?

i’m glad to see that it seems like the moderation has changed a lot—more rules intended to keep kids from being on sexual roleplaying servers like thislife is probably a good call. like i kind of mentioned, back when i was on the server, if you were a kid there weren’t any protections or anything. i mean, i think i kind of knew what i was getting into when i signed up for a sex rp game server. i think that must’ve been the logic they used at the time for not trying harder to age-restrict things. and i think i was mature for a 13 year old. but how can you be 13 and really know how adults are going to treat you? you barely understand yourself?

i guess i should preface all this by saying i’m a guy. and i’m not gay or a tranny or anything. i say this because when i first joined the community, i chose to pretend to be a girl. just on a whim, i guess. i know it was a little weird. but i mean, i was pretending to be older than i was anyway, so why not lie about your gender too, you know? and i remember within the first week i was already messaging some 30 year old who was trying to get me to send him pictures of my feet as part of a scenario. i think he was pretending to be like a foot doctor? and the idea was i’d send him pictures of my feet so that he could make sure they were healthy. i have no idea if i actually sent him the photos or not.

but the real shit was happening in game, of course. i was part of the server a few months before i was part of the forums. i think like a lot of people on thislife, the sex stuff was alluring, especially for a kid like me who was curious about those things, but it wasn’t the main point or draw. it was relaxing to not have to really do anything as part of the game, you could just pretend to be a person going about their day. the sex just was a part of that. so for a long time, i wouldn’t do anything sexual at all. i’d just walk my character around the city, pretending to be a girl going about her day—going to the grocery story, the salon, the library, and working at the diner in order to make money to pay for my apartment. it’s so weird, because it felt like real life, but it was all virtual. i mean, i know you all know this, but i just gotta say it to make myself know it really happened.

anyway it wasn’t maybe until later that i started getting really involved in the sexual aspect of things. it started when the diner’s manager asked me to come into the back room. he said something like, we’ve been getting some complaints from the customers about how rude and clumsy you are. if you want to keep your job you’re going to have to suck my cock. back then, they didn’t have any of the fancy sex animations that they have now. all there was were naked skins of your character that you could change into, so you just kind of had to pantomime what happens and imagine the rest. get on your knees, he said. so all i did was press the ctrl key to make my character crouch and he just kind of narrated what was happening to me. oh, yeah, baby, that’s so good. you’re sucking my cock. you’re such a good girl. go faster. that kind of thing.

it was the first time i’d done anything sexual with another person. i mean, i’d seen porn and stuff, but giving a ‘blowjob’ like that was completely different. it really turned me on, and i started masturbating to the whole thing. when he said, oh yeah, girl, i’m cumming, i came too. maybe this is tmi sorry

but when we were done he said, wow you’re good. but actually i was gonna fire you either way. sorry. it was kind of really fucked up, you know? i didn’t really process until i was much older that we were playing out kind of like a rape scene, and i was doing it with this guy who could’ve been 20 or 30 or idk how old. and from how i sounded in voice chat, with my squeaky teenage voice, he must’ve known i was young, and probably a boy, too. right?

so after that, i’d gotten my taste of the sex stuff. and, like, i wasn’t creeped out? i wanted more? i should’ve been creeped out. right around then is when i signed up on the thislife forums and started being more active in the community, and i guess when that happened i kind of went from pretending my character was a girl to pretending that i was a girl, like, on the forums.

although there isn’t really any continuity between roleplay sessions, i pretended that me getting fired was a part of my character’s backstory, so she was unemployed now, and so i started doing things like begging for money from people, and people would pay me virtual money in exchange for going back to their place and fucking them. i basically turned into a prostitute, i guess. i started obsessing over roleplaying my character just right. some people wouldn’t fuck my character for money specifically because i sounded like a boy or like a kid on voice chat—no thanks, i’m not gay. this kind of comment bothered me a lot because it was breaking character. so i started obsessing over making my voice sound like a girl’s voice. i’d watch these videos meant for trannies and shit and copy the sounds and intonation. eventually, i really got it sounding like i was really a girl. i could say the words in the right way, i could emulate a certain, like, intentional sexy personality that some girls do—and i could even get the laugh just right. the fucking laugh made so many dudes wild for me, or my character at least. and once i got good enough the other players stopped saying stuff about me being gay.

as i got older, things started getting weirder. i realized kind of how fucked up what i was doing was, but i didn’t stop doing it. i didn’t want to lose the character that i’d made. but i think the realization that i was being sexually exploited by all these dudes on this server kind of screwed me up inside. or maybe i was already screwed up? i don’t really want to accuse anyone of anything, and it looks like now most of the creeps have been banned or moved on to be pedos elsewhere? i’m really glad the rules changed because i don’t want anyone else to have to go through what i went through, even if i think i maybe wanted to go through it at the time.

i got darker, meaner. i would ask dudes on the server and on the forum to act out more and more intense scenes with me. when i think about it i tell myself that i just wanted to know how far these dudes would go, to scare them into stopping shit. but i worry i also did these kinds of things because i actually liked them.

in the server once i was with a guy who liked to visit me pretty regularly. i knew for almost a fact he was like at least 30 years old. sometimes out of character he would mention his daughters and how i seemed just like them. i was 15 at the time. and i was ‘fucking’ him—really just narrating to him what i was doing while he moaned over the mic—when i had a really weird idea that made me think. when he finally came i asked him if he wanted anything and he said he was satisfied. and then out of the blue i started describing to him how my character started to choke his character—and, to my surprise, he went along with it. i told him your character passes out and then he said i pass out. then i described to him how my character stole all of the virtual money from his character’s wallet and then he gave me all the virtual money that i told him i stole. and then i left his apartment in the game and noticed how hard my heart was pounding in real life.

i started doing this pretty regularly—fucking a guy, and then knocking him out and stealing all his money. i started to do it with a beverage we would pretend was drugged. this was back before they implemented the drink system, so it was just the physics model of a cup we would pantomime with. i would tell the guys i was rping with that we were doing a drugging scenario by saying i pass you a drugged beer and then putting the drink model in front of them. and it’s so weird and fucked-up, but most of the guys went along with it and let me steal their money. one time a guy even rp’d waking up and then calling the cops, and when the people rping as cops found me out i had to get out of having to do jail time by fucking them.

eventually, everyone on the server got tired with my whole fucking-and-drugging routine, and they stopped fucking me because they knew it was just an excuse for me to drug them and steal their money. and it was kind of like—finally i’m free of all those guys. and then i stopped coming to thislife to rp or anything and i just tried to get on with my irl life.

is it weird that i kind of miss that time when i was 15, back when i’d fuck men twice my age and then drug them to steal their money? when i put it like that i guess it is. it just feels completely out of context with the rest of my life that i don’t know how to understand it. and my new therapist says it’s absolutely weird and also wrong. but surely one of you guys must have felt this way, had an experience like this?

and i kept thinking about my rp character after i left. i’d never even given her a name beyond BloodMoon13. but i’d put so much work into her, with the voice and the mannerisms, and like, a whole backstory i wrote out in one of my journals. so kind of privately i started dressing like her in my room. i still do it to this day. i really want to reiterate that i know what it looks like, but i’m not a fag. for me it’s just a gaming thing. like larping, i guess.

but ofc i do know it’s a problem. my girlfriend found out about the whole me dressing up in my room situation and she thinks what i’m doing is evil and creepy, and even though it’s just a hobby i think i agree, even if it does kind of keep me going. i sure do feel evil and disgusting at least. that’s why i’m going to the therapist who’s part of my girlfriend’s church after it turned out the normal therapist was a total incompetent. the new therapist promises that all my crossdressing rp shit can be fixed and when we pray together i think i really believe him. but idk. sometimes i still think about fucking and then drugging men so i can take their money, or even fucking and then drugging men so that i can kill them? that’s something i never did on the server. i don’t want to actually hurt anyone, so it’s fantasy i guess? the weirdest part is the only guy i ever fantasize about in this murdery way is me. in my fantasy, BloodMoon13 finds out where i live, breaks into my home, and then seduces me. and then we fuck. at the end of the fantasy she pulls out a knife, slits my throat, and climbs into my body. she’s replaced me in my own life. that’s always the part of the fantasy when i finally cum, when i think she’s replaced me in my own life. the therapist says that it’s evidence of demonic possession. but i think it’s just me being horny?

and i know this sounds kind of sappy but whenever i notice it’s a full moon i can’t help but think of my time here at thislife and when i was pretending to be a girl. i always end up beating one out those nights all because of my stupid username. secretly, i think my last chance to actually change when it comes to this dressing up shit was all the way back when i was a 13 year old trying to make a choice of which video game to buy from the mall. or maybe it was when i decided to suck that diner manager’s cock instead of saying no. or maybe i was fucked up from birth. but what i’m saying is that i don’t think i can change. and i guess what i’m also saying is that i’m worried this place and all the things those guys did to me made me like, some kind of tranny freak forever.

anyway, now i know for sure this is tmi. if the moderators want to delete this post i totally get it. but i think there could be something like a useful discussion with you all about these things and the age/gender policies on the forum and on the server. or maybe i just needed to vent. but anyway i just want to say thanks for reading all this rambling nonsense. it means so much that thislife could be a place where the kind of real me can be seen and maybe understood.