Concentrate on the three red dots. Do not look away. Your family paid handsomely for this exam. Their future—as well as your own—depends on the outcome. We have administered thousands of these tests. The failure rate is high, an unfortunate statistic we typically attribute to an applicant’s lack of conviction. You must believe in the red dots in order to truly see them. Please hold your questions until after we have finished with the instructions. Focus on the three red dots. Count slowly to thirty-five. We expect you will be aroused at this point. Resist the urge to perform indecent acts on the three red dots. Take a step back. Look up at the ceiling. A man in a brown suit will be standing there. Under no circumstances should you make eye contact. Study the man’s tie. You will find a map stitched into the fabric. Following the path correctly will lead you to a library. Go to the reference aisle. Notice the burlap sack. The voice inside will be familiar. Whatever pleas emanate from within you are not to open the sack. Carry this load down a set of stairs into the basement. Careful on the steps, they are uneven. You will come upon a hole in the flooring. Do not look down the hole. Push the sack over the edge. Count to one hundred. Return to the ground level and sit at the desk. We will provide pliers to aid in the following task. Stick out your tongue. Pull until your tongue is stretched long enough as to be visible before your eyes. Concentrate on the three red dots. Release your tongue. Swallow the three red dots. You are permitted but not required to request a glass of water. We have observed higher ratios of success from those who do not drink. Take the elevator to the roof. There will be a telescope near the ledge. Study the skyline. Find your house. Peep through the windows, your parents’ bedroom, your room, the kitchen. Sitting around the dinner table will be three red dots. Observe they are bound to their chairs. When the blue dot appears the red dots will become distressed. What the blue dot is armed with varies from test to test, though you can expect the weapon to be blunt and/or sharp. After the blue dot finishes with the three red dots, you will sense someone is watching you and this feeling will not be without warrant. Through the lens of the telescope you will catch the blue dot staring right at you. Expect the blue dot to begin its pursuit. Where the ensuing confrontation takes place depends on the applicant’s decisions. The most common location tends to be the rose garden, which does provide a lovely backdrop. The blue dot will attempt violence against you. Pinpoint his weakness and the attack is not difficult to survive. We will be straightforward: the test ends here for more than half our applicants. Rigorous study results in success. Sadly our data suggests most people who register are ill prepared come exam day. Those who do advance have only a single remaining task. The final portion of the test determines whether you pass. Concentrate on the three red dots. Move your gaze to a blank surface. What do you see?